


“I know. But I did it.”

by rhysiana



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, Pre-Slash Sterek Implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 23:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9407471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhysiana/pseuds/rhysiana
Summary: Stiles drags Derek to seeCaptain America: Civil War. It is not the fun summer blockbuster comic book movie experience he anticipated.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, the other day I saw a gifset of Bucky talking about what it was like to be the Winter Soldier (which of course I can’t find again to link, yay Tumblr search capabilities) and it struck me how similar it was to the way Stiles talked about the Nogitsune, and then the idea that Stiles probably wouldn’t react well to watching CA:CW wouldn’t leave me alone. Certain terrible enablers told me I should write it up so everyone else could be sad, too, so here. I’m sorry.
> 
> Content warning: Stiles has a panic attack. I’m not kidding. It’s all in present tense and everything. I say again, panic attack.

Probably the worst thing about it, in retrospect, is how unexpected it is. While other people, looking at his life, would be excused for thinking he’s just learned to expect the unexpected, the actual truth is that he hates it. _Hates_ it. Which is why he spends his every waking moment, of which there are a lot more than sleeping ones, preparing for any eventuality.

It’s exhausting.

And in this particular case, he is just so unprepared. He’d been looking forward to the movie for months. He’d annoyed Derek and Scott and Lydia, each individually and together, with incessant speculation about whether there would be any evident response to the #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend movement, how much of the whole Civil War plotline from the comics would actually make it to the screen, constant “who would win” matchup conversations.

And Stiles, well, Stiles doesn’t do things halfway, so this is going to be his _first_ viewing of the movie, with Derek, because he’s the one who was free in the middle of the day because he’s got mysterious income sources and a convenient freelance lifestyle, which matches up nicely with Stiles’ current job filing for his dad at the sheriff’s department, which he usually ends up doing in the middle of the night, because why not? So he’ll see it with Derek today, and with Scott a few days later, and with whoever else he can drag with him another time after that. It’s going to be great.

It starts okay. Bucky! (So Stiles has a weakness for the scruffy, broody type, sue him.) Some good banter and teamwork. Cool toys for Falcon. But then Wanda blows up the building and Stiles can feel Derek tense a little at the look on her face. He shifts uneasily in his seat during the conversation between Wanda and Steve about having to keep going even when you couldn’t save everyone. Stiles presses his shoulder into Derek’s in a way he hopes is comforting.

The entire beginning of this fun comic book action movie is about survivor’s guilt.

Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

Fortunately things get a little less personally relevant after that and Stiles is able to sink back into politics of the MCU.

He smiles at Bucky buying plums. (Though he knows things are about to go horribly wrong. That’s just how these things work, even if you’re not in a Marvel movie.)

Bucky gets caught.

Bucky gets retriggered.

Bucky comes back to himself with Steve, who at least he’s less likely to hurt.

_“I knew this would happen. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words.”_

Stiles’ hands tighten on the armrests. Derek looks over at him in concern, probably responding to his heartbeat, and covers Stiles’ hand with his own. Stiles focuses on that sensation until the screen stops looking blurry.

An entirely unnecessary Spider-Man storyline is introduced. There is an awkward kiss with Sharon for no reason other than to straighten Steve’s image. His growing annoyance helps ground Stiles back into the moment, but it’s no use; he’s not even particularly entertained by the big airport battle scene.

Bucky and Steve escape.

 _Bucky: “I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve.”_  
Steve: “What you did all those years… It wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.”  
Bucky: “I know. But I did it.”

Stiles knows that look on Bucky’s face. He knows that tone of voice.

Stiles has had this conversation before.

Stiles can’t breathe.

Derek threads their fingers together and squeezes, but it’s not enough this time. The edges of Stiles’ vision start to go black. He gasps, and then tries desperately to get control back, because they’re in the middle of a crowded theater and he knows it, the last thing he needs is people noticing, who knows what the Nogitsune might do…

And then Derek’s hands are under his arms and he’s being hauled gently but efficiently out of his seat. He had earlier mourned the caution that won’t let him sit in the center of the theater anymore, but now, as he tries not to trip down the stairs, he’s just grateful.

He bursts through the theater door into the light of the hallway and promptly trips over his own feet. He manages to catch himself against the opposite wall before he can face-plant, then twists to press his back into the wall as he slides down to sit on the floor. His hands are shaking and he can’t make them stop.

He can’t make them stop.

He stares at them in horror.

It feels like… it feels like… he remembers being trapped inside his own mind, screaming, while his hands did things, horrible things, and he couldn’t stop them, he couldn’t stop them…

And then Derek is there in front of him, grabbing his hands so they stop shaking. “Stiles. Stiles, no, shhhh. It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“I can’t,” he gasps. “I can’t—breathe, I can’t—I couldn’t—I couldn’t stop…” His feet are pushing against the floor, as if he could push himself through the wall, or up, _away_ , but he can’t move.

Derek pulls one of Stiles’ hands to him and presses the palm to his own chest. “Breathe with me, Stiles. Just breathe. You can do it. Just breathe.”

Stiles focuses as hard as he can on the rise and fall of Derek’s chest, and eventually it drags his own breathing into rhythm. When he finally blinks rapidly a few times and really sees Derek’s face again, the other man lets out a sigh of relief and shifts around to sit next to him. He puts his arm around Stiles and pulls him in until his head is resting on Derek’s shoulder.

“You know the Nogitsune is gone, right? Gone for good. It’s not coming back. It didn’t leave anything in you. That’s not how it works.”

“I know. I mean, logically, I know. But it doesn’t feel real sometimes. That it’s really gone. It was… too much like that.” He waves a hand exhaustedly at the theater door. “I didn’t… I didn’t even think about that as a possible trigger.” He feels a tear slide down his cheek and swipes at it angrily. “I’m never going to get better. Even when it’s gone, it’s still here.”

Derek rests his chin on top of Stiles’ head for a long moment. The pressure is comforting. Stiles lets his eyes slide shut. When Derek speaks, Stiles can hear it through his chest. “I don’t… I’m not sure you can think of it like that. The Nogitsune is gone, but the experience is part of you now. That’s never going to go away. Like the fire. Like Boyd. Like… a lot of things. But you learn to live with it. There are some ways that are better than others. I don’t really suggest living in an abandoned train station, just for reference.”

Stiles lifts his head. “Derek, did you just make a joke?”

“I do that occasionally. I’ve got this asshole friend who’s always telling me I take things too seriously.” He tries to keep a straight face, but his lips twitch at the corners.

Stiles laughs. It’s weak, but it’s a laugh.

He lets his head fall back onto Derek’s shoulder, and, natural as anything, Derek presses a kiss to the top of his head.

“You ready to get out of here?” Derek asks.

“I, uh, yeah,” Stiles says, distracted. What just happened?

Derek extends a hand and hauls Stiles easily to his feet.

“C’mon, fries and milkshakes.”

Stiles follows Derek out into the sunlight.

**Author's Note:**

> I rewatched all of CA:CW to make sure I had the order of events right, and let me tell you, watching it intentionally from Stiles and Derek's POVs was deeply uncomfortable. I was initially only thinking about that one scene between Steve and Bucky in the plane, but no, it's the whole movie.
> 
> Where does this fit into the Teen Wolf timeline? I dunno, somewhere after 3B. They've been in the last three years of high school for six years now! Let them graduate already! For argument's sake, let's say they graduated in 2014 when they should have for a show starting in 2011, so at this point Stiles was at the beginning of summer break following his second year of college. Derek came back at some point in there. Cool? Cool.


End file.
